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I really want to go to New York at some point this year. I swear there’s a version of me that can only be unlocked in that city. Some bold, cinematic, slightly delusional Tracey who thrives among old rustic buildings and shoe‑box studio apartments. I think my soul fell in love with New York just from watching other people live their lives there. Maybe I’m an old soul who secretly enjoys the chaos, the rudeness, and the rats (which is wild because I actually hate rats).

I remember in secondary school (JSS2), a classmate (Alexander G.) once told me this was my second life. She claimed she was psychic, an angel sent to earth, and apparently, in my past life, I got angry and hit someone with a pickaxe (Jump scare as I was 12 when she told me this). But honestly, maybe that’s why New York calls to me. Maybe some past‑life version of me is waiting there, ready to be unleashed. Maybe the city is holding a piece of me I haven’t met yet. I just love that city Man! Trying to find a reason isn’t reasonable.

Anyway, I digress as usual. I think it’s because it takes me ages to put a post together. A single entry you read in five minutes usually takes me days… sometimes weeks… occasionally months. I just scribble whatever I’m feeling in the moment and pray it all makes sense when I finally sit down to edit. I know I am a good storyteller, but I also worry about sitting alone with my thoughts for too long so I need an outlet to dump it all. I know I can translate feelings into words (almost too well) but I’m scared it might be overwhelming for people who read it. Every time I write, it feels vulnerable, like I’m handing you a piece of something I’d rather keep tucked away.

Maybe it’s because I’m not a great speaker. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent most of my life being the listener, the absorber of peoples emotions and chaos. My biggest fear has always been expressing myself with my actual voice. But this year, I want to work on that. I want to learn to use my voice confidently and to stop hiding behind the ink. Writing gives me a voice where I don’t have to worry about eye contact, or gestures, or whether my hands are doing something weird. But I also want to speak out loud,without fear, without shrinking, without worrying that I’ll be misunderstood.

That’s partly why I did my vision board differently this year. The past three years didn’t seem to work (at least not yet). So I switched things up. This time, it’s not just a collage of aesthetically pleasing pictures (though trust me, the aesthetics are still very much present). I added specific Bible verses. I added words that align with the life I want to live and the person I’m becoming. I don’t want to build a life God didn’t design for me, so I titled it “Tracey’s Love Child” Very on brand.

I was intentional with every single item especially as someone who knows how to wear a brave face. I fret about everything. I overthink. I fear mistakes like the tax deductions I see on my payslip monthly. But this year, I’m choosing bravery. I’m choosing trust which is very difficult for me but coming to terms that everything I want in this life is much bigger than me has changed it all. I’m choosing to lean fully on God, even when nothing makes sense, even when my knees are shaking. I’m reminding myself that I’ll be fine not because I have it all figured out, but because I’m a child of God.

Whew !I sound very spiritual, but let’s roll with it 🙂

3 a.m. — Have you ever felt stuck?
Weird question to ask at the start of a new year, I know. Don’t worry about me. I’m not stuck. Not in that way. But have you ever been so fixated on something you thought you wanted desperately, only to realise you didn’t actually love it as much as you thought… you just loved the idea of it? That’s where I am. I am stuck in between transitioning careers.

I do love marketing. I genuinely enjoy it and want to keep working in it (although I do not currenly work in marketing). But I’m realising that what I want to do within marketing is different. I’m not interested in KPIs or climbing the corporate ladder (someone please cut that ladder in half). I’m drawn to the deeper side of marketing. The part that tries to understand why people make the choices they make. The why behind the behaviour and the choices people make. ( maybe it’s because I love solving problems that aren’t mine). While studying during my master’s, my favourite module was Consumer Psychology, which is hilarious because the assesement drove me mad. It wasn’t even meant to be the star of the show but Maslow’s Theory of Motivation will forever be goated in my mind, even though people have argued it to death (I’m blocking my ears).

Understanding consumer behaviour is so much deeper than we give it credit for. I want to write, design and create to the max. Maybe that’s what I’ve always loved about marketing. Maybe it was never about the big titles. Maybe it’s always been about the art of creating something that meets and people’s needs just by understanding how their minds work. That’s magical.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking a lot about my life choices lately, which isn’t exactly shocking considering I only ever talk about myself on this blog (it’s mine, after all). Anyway, I’m currently in the middle of figuring out something that has been draining my entire powerhouse, and I cannot wait to finally know what the outcome is. Honestly, I don’t even think I’ll be upset if it doesn’t go the way I want. I just want clarity. I want to be done. I want to rest easy because I am exhausted from living in the “in‑the‑process” stage.

My birthday is in less than a month, and I’m praying this whole thing wraps itself up before then. These days, I don’t have the strength to hold on to much. If something wants to leave, let it leave. I’m not gripping anything by force anymore.

The whole “new year, new me” thing died a long time ago. Why can’t I just decide to become a new person on a random Friday afternoon while I’m slaving away in the corporate world? Why must reinvention wait for January 1st or some aesthetically pleasing even number? which is an odd thing thing to stick with as I was born on an odd day. Maybe I don’t need a perfect timeline. Maybe this year isn’t about becoming someone new. Maybe I just need to keep evolving, keep writing, keep being delightfully annoying in my growth and character. If you catch me saying ”Happy New Year” sometime in May- just accept it.

The only thing I’m genuinely looking forward to is seeing the Brooklyn Bridge, eating an overpriced bagel somewhere in Central Park, and people‑watching like I’m an old lady with too much time and not enough shame.

Quick question: What kind of profession do you see me being good at ? Please leave me a comment as my brain is literally frozen from overthinking.

See you on the next entry. If you need me, you know where to find me x